The Vegan Amoeba

Four hundred million years ago

there lived an amoeba.

It was a nice amoeba

that only ate plants.

This type of amoeba gradually evolved

and soon only ate the tastiest plants

at the most upscale places,

because that is what was vogue in their young generation.

They wanted to save the earth, you see.

So this amoeba and its plant-eating amoeba friends

formed a very large colony.

They formed a very large tasty colony.

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Now, along came this very large amoeba.

It was a very large and hungry amoeba

that sensed, just sitting there, a nutrient-packed

something or other.

It’s ‘brain’ only knew three commands:

TOWARD, AWAY, and IGNORE.

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Now this nutrient-packed something or other

sent out chemical signals that triggered TOWARD.

So the very large and hungry amoeba

moved TOWARD and TOWARD and TOWARD

and TOWARD until it touched the something or other.

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That still wasn’t close enough, so it absorbed it.

YUM. Very tasty and invigorating.

It then sensed more something or others,

but they were swimming condensed packs of nutrients,

i.e. they moved around (looking for plants to eat nicely).

The large amoeba also sensed the plants,

which sent out few nutrient signals,

and then sensed the swimming packs of very condensed nutrients

which sent out a lot of nutrient signals,

so it moved TOWARD the swimming packs of very condensed nutrients.

It was easy going at first,

the swimming packs of condensed nutrients did not have a clue

that they were about to be devoured.

Soon, however, only the faster condensed packs of mobile nutrients remained,

which were harder to catch.

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Well, to make a long story short, an evolutionary arms race ensued,

and they both evolved traits that enhanced their survivability,

each in their own way.

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Then one day, far in the future,

and very close to their Brain Age, but not quiet there yet

(see the Philosophy of Broader Survival),

one generation of large hungry amoebas

decide that it would be better to become nice plant eaters,

mainly in order to save the planet.

Nature, however, did not see them this way.

It saw them as evolving back into prey.

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One individual among them made this point in a poem,

(among other points),

writing it for a contest that invited poems on the issue

of becoming nice and eating plants and saving the planet,

and being clever about it

by making fun of amoebas that ate other amoebas.

Now, our individual said that cleverness does not equal wisdom,

and that in a clueless world especially

(see the Philosophy of Broader Survival’s definition of ‘clueless’),

cleverness and intelligence often add up to stupidity,

and that ‘diet’ is not what is wrong with their species, philosophy is,

so this individual developed the first sane overarching,

life-guiding philosophy for the individual’s species,

and the individual called it A New World Philosophy,

but some lowlife twit of an amoeba saw it and stole the title for his horribly childish book,

so the individual had to find another name for the philosophy,

and the individual chose a somewhat more descriptive name,

The Philosophy of Broader Survival and Ultimate Morality,

for the Space Age, no less.

An alternate name was The Philosophy of Universal Survival,

since it included all of life, all conscious entities

(including self-aware machines),

and all matter and energy (the universe).

This also returned The Philosophy of US,

rather than The Philosophy of BS,

which was useful around amoebas who thought they were clever

but who were really stupid,

whom the philosophizing amoeba did not want to lose,

in spite of their self-absorbed obnoxiousness.

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This philosophy solved the cluelessness problem

as far as survival in a harsh and deadly universe was concerned,

and it gave its species a point in life

that was more relevant to broader survival

than diet and being nice and thinking one was saving the planet

by putting the planet under glass so it would not change,

which was what the vegans were, in effect, thinking, and which was an exercise in futility.

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As the individual rested, the individual reflected back, when,

fifty years earlier, the individual was a vegan.

It was not called ‘veganism’ back then,

but ‘being into health foods’.

The individual remembered liking it, since

amoebas who ate other amoebas smelled!

Well, amoeba society gradually drove the individual

back to eating other amoebas,

and the individual smelled again,

which is what the individual had evolved into

over 400 million years anyway,

and eating other amoebas was far more efficient,

nutrient and digestively speaking,

than eating plants and being nice and saving the planet.

Eating other nutrient-packed amoebas also allowed the individual’s species’s brains to grow

and become the dominant species on the planet, until…

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Until they realized that eating other amoebas was not nice

and, with so many amoeba-eating amoebas around,

that it was ruining the planet.

‘Isn’t that absolutely ironic!’, the individual said,

how brains grew and grew by eating other amoebas

only to realize that eating other amoebas was not a good thing

for the planet…

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So now the species is at a crossroads in diet,

and, far far more importantly, in philosophy.

Now the amoeba goes around telling others to ‘get a clue’.

Needless to say, they fight back, clinging to their infantile personal philosophies,

but that is life.

THE END

ALMOST

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This was (tragically) removed (suppressed) from a meat-eater-bashing Vegan contest by a typical closed-minded, authoritarian ‘Progressive’ who would not tolerate anything that contains even a hint of opposing views (i.e. freedom of speech), even when more enlightened. Now we know what ‘Progressive’ means, ‘Repression’, aspiring to ‘Oppression’ and ‘Complete Domination and Control’, Talk about predators, and clueless predators with deficient mindsets, at that. I think they need to address their own type of predation instead, killing higher thoughts just for the sake of killing them, and not even gaining nutrition from them, and killing them just for the sake of maintaining one’s own deficient mentality. But that is the world that we find ourselves in (I am speaking to the imaginary enlightened octopus (for demonstration purposes) who is ‘one of us’ — because he is enlightened, and not because of some petty, ineffective, and usually self-damaging (out of nutrition ignorance) fashion).

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