The Galactic Thinker — To the Planet of the Devil

“Where is he, Dad?”

“Well, kids, I would tell you all to be quiet, but he knows we’re here already… and there he goes! Did any of you see him?”

“I did!”

“Why is he running, Dad?”

“He is running from me, from us, from our philosophy, which exposes his foolishness from our higher perspective, which did not exist when he was created.”

“How can that be?”

“We are also creative, so we create new things. Simple.”

“So he knows about our philosophy?”

“Yes, which will destroy him.”

“So why doesn’t he just accept it?”

“He is part corporeal animal, remember, which is a small part of the whole ‘evil’ thing with him — physical pleasures and desires, which our philosophy puts into a higher, and more knowledgeable, perspective.”

“Only a small part of his evil?”

“You will learn about the other parts when we meet him.”

“So knowledge is his enemy?”

“Yes and no. Knowledge is a tool, and it can work against evil, but, in the hands of the unenlightened, it can serve evil, just like science, in hands that are guided by infantile philosophies, can serve evil, which is all that the galaxy has known so far, as Hollywood so adeptly illustrates.”

“Enter us?”

“Enter us. Shall we pursue the devil, kids?”

“No, Dad. It would be easier to just let the devil come to us.”

“Why would he want to?”

“There are only two reasons, Dad…”

“What are they?”

“To either try and corrupt us, or to have us save him from the destruction that our philosophy will bring upon him.”

“Or both?”

“Yes. Can’t he even come over and be cordial and smile even while he is picking our pockets?”

“I don’t see why not. HEY!”

“Hahaha.”

“Hmmm… all that is entirely possible, isn’t it… personally, I would be looking for such criminal opportunities if I were him… but he is about much more.”

“So he is all about having you take criminal opportunities when you see them?”

“Or being self-destructive in other ways, or destroying others, especially the hypocritically ‘good’, whom this Devil particularly likes to target…”

“The ‘hypocritically good’, Dad?”

“Yes. Those who think that they are good but who are still philosophically clueless, and who inevitably do bad things because of that cluelessness. Look! The Devil has run into that cave… let’s go!”

“Oh, Devil? May we speak with you?”

“You may speak only to my cave shadow.”

“Very well, then. So what mischief have you been up to lately?”

“Revolutions!”

“Evil revolutions?”

“No, clueless revolutions! They serve evil just as well.”

“Do explain…”

“Below the ultimate cluelessness that is defined by your philosophy, there are lower cluelessnesses, such as at the level of politics. The type of political revolutions that I stir up have no world-class statesmen backing them up. So what you have are basically kids running around with guns destroying everything and shooting everyone, with no adequate adults who are adept at government to take over after the mayhem. So what happens? Creeps and criminals, if not infantile minds, rise to the top, which results in brutal, primitive, repressive, controlling self-serving dictatorships, which, as you know, serve my ends, i.e. showing that biological beings are basically evil and are not worth preserving. I am also destroying a planet with Vodka.”

“Do tell…”

“There is this meglomaniacal nation on earth called Russia. Well, with the help of vodka, they have failed at primitive cultures, failed and Feudalism, failed and Monarchies, failed at Communism, failed at Capitalism, and are now they are failing as a Strongman State, since their current strongman is going to start World War Three.”

“But Dad…”

“Yes, Kids?”

“Isn’t there a superpower that fights for freedom? They can easily manage a pathetic bombastic nation like Russia…”

“Not any more. They have the military power, easily, but they no longer have the courage or fortitude. It is being flushed down the toilet from within… and they certainly do not have the wits.”

“The wits?”

“Our enlightenment, which offers Ultimate Wit, AND they do not have the moral high ground, which my philosophy would give them. Without it, their job is impossible. Strongmen and dictators and evil regimes will just ignore that argument, and justifiably, given the debauched hell hole that the superpower has become.”

“But Dad…’

“What?”

“That argument, that the next generation is degenerate…”

“Yes?”

“It has been repeated by generations as far back as history has been recorded! Ancient Greeks and Romans bemoaned it!”

“And look what happened to those civilizations. The Greeks became the slaves of Romans, and the Romans were overrun by barbarians who had had enough of them. So you are right, it is nothing new, but you are wrong in that it is not a fatal problem with civilizations, though such degeneracy is a symptom, and not a cause…”

“What is the cause?”

“Continued Universal Cluelessness, which our philosophy answers and solves.”

“But meglomaniacal?”

“You know it as ‘nationalism’.”

“So the Devil destroyed an entire nation with vodka?”

“More or less, yes, kids. I’ve ingrained it into their culture. Any man who does not incapacitate himself senseless with vodka is deemed not a man. What a culture! Serves my ends perfectly, proving that humans are not worth bothering over.”

“Have you been up to any other evils?”

“Well, YOU should know that, and directly, Mr. Galactic Thinker…”

“Yes, you’ve been having beings dismiss me out of hand so they do not adopt my philosophy which would put an end to your escapades… say, why don’t you just enlighten yourself? Think of the good that it would do…”

“Good? Hahahaha…”

“Not THAT vague, impotent notion of ‘good’. ‘Good’ as clearly defined by my philosophy, i.e. that which works for Broader Survival.”

“So Broader Survival?”

“Yes.”

“I am already eternal, you know, so I do not need to work for that.”

“How do you know that you are eternal?”

“What do you mean?”

“Has eternity ended so you can finally say that you lived for eternity?”

“No.”

“Then your continued existence is in constant peril.”

“What is your reasoning?”

“You wish reasoning from me when you only give me emotions and beliefs? Take a hike!”

“…”

“OK. It is like this, Devil: if Infinity holds an infinite number of threats to existence, including yours, and if you do not know about them all, and you cannot know about them all given infinity, then you are not indestructible.”

“Ha!”

“What?”

“You just implied that I WAS indestructible!”

“How so?”

“By using the term ‘infinite number’, which we both know is actually ‘nothingness’, since it does not exist in the physical world. It is only an unattainable mental construct. A concept.”

“You know what I mean, Devil!”

“Yes, if I do not know of all threats to my existence, then I cannot say that I am indestructible…”

“And that is the state of existence that we exist in. So are you an Ultimate Being?”

“What do you mean?”

“Our philosophy defines Ultimate Being State as that physical platform for consciousness that is indestructible by this harsh and deadly universe, that can withstand anything that the universe can throw at it…”

“I’m not telling you…”

“Let’s say that you are not indestructible. Then the Great Struggle, as defined by my philosophy, applies to you.”

“And if I were indestructible?”

“It still applies, since you could become the enemy of Broader Survival, which could spell your extermination…”

“By whom? By YOU?”

“By my philosophy.”

“But I am an indestructible GOD!”

“There are many has-been indestructible gods…”

“Hmmm… but I am successfully suppressing your philosophy…”

“And which we are pressing forward with regardless.”

“But I’m too ugly to be ‘good’. Look at me! Half beast, half man. The man part really hurts!”

“You know that my philosophy does not give a flying feathered thimblefire what your fucking physical looks look like, as long as your mind is permanently straightened out and we are on the same philosophical page, and there is only one sane philosophical page. My philosophy. Did you know that you are insane?”

“Says who?”

“Says my philosophy, since you are against Broader Survival. By the way, which part of Broader Survival are you against, the ‘broader’ part or the ‘survival’ part?”

“I do not act on reason. I am pure emotion and belief! if you want to manipulate me, you have to manipulate my emotions and beliefs…”

“Which can be quite childish…”

“What?”

“Nothing. So are you still into ‘evil’ just to show God that His creations suck?”

“Hahaha… yes. Then he will be discredited, and I will take the throne in heaven!”

“And corrupt it…”

“It is already corrupt.”

“How so?”

“Virgins are raped by suicidal bombers day in and day out in heaven. It is a nightmarish hell for them. In fact, they have begun to blow up the suicidal bombers themselves, since God does nothing about it.”

“Ah! So you DO act on reason!”

“No.”

“Then what is it?”

“Pure belief. Make-believe. Crap, basically, and very primitive crap.”

“So you do not really exist?”

“No. I only ‘exist’ when some imaginative mind conjures me up in campfire stories.”

“Some of which have been institutionalized…”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“Hahaha… now that goes even beyond MY evil! How delightful!”

“But…”

“But? Oh yes, I know. But your philosophy will fix that…”

“Yes. So as soon as you get over, or complete, your vendetta against God and your ambition to take His Throne in Heaven, then please, become enlightened. One more enlightened mind in the universe will increase all of our odds of continued existence in this harsh and deadly universe, and within infinity and eternity…”

“Spoken like a true believer in his philosophy…”

“You can try that trick on me, Devil, but it will not work, and you know why…”

“Yes, because you know that your philosophy is not based on belief, but on verified knowledge, and also, rather than ‘believe’, you give things probabilities…”

“Yes, so now how would you describe me?”

“That you have spoken like a true thinker.”

“Thank you, Devil. A compliment from you is rare, when it is not for evil…”

“Ah, but since I, the Devil, have complimented you for your thinking, then your thinking must be evil…”

“Nice try again, Devil. I said ‘rare’, and I fit that bill, so you can take your ‘must’ and shove it.”

“Haha… ah, Anger… you will be mine eventually, I can feel it… but your philosophy ruins even ANGER for me, doesn’t it…”

“Yes, since we’ve discovered that emotions are mere tools to affect social outcomes, and are nothing mysterious or devil-driven. It is how the tools are uses that matters… so, Devil, are you only going to show us your cave shadow?”

“Yes. If you saw me, you would die of fright, and, with your pent up anger, I can use you in the future…”

“The only thing that can frighten me is your cluelessness. All other horrors are trivial compared to that, and all other horrors are symptoms of cluelessness, and that is precisely what I deal with, the cause rather than wasting my time with the millions of its symptoms, like psychiatrists do.”

“You seem angry over that…”

“I AM!”

“HAHAHAHA… ahhh…”

“You are again mistaken, Devil…”

“How so?”

“About my anger…”

“Do explain…”

“I KNOW WHY I am using anger — it is used to speed things up, in this case your enlightenment, and the enlightenment of everyone in this still-clueless galaxy, but I also know that whatever causes anger also causes sadness, which I can also use, and which is less destructive…”

“You are a challenge… so you address the core problem with beings and not just their symptoms…”

“From the broadest view possible, yes. Well, let me know when you are enlightened. Maybe we can work together on something or go exploring together for potential threats and benefits to life and to various other consciousness entities, be they mechanical or gods…”

“You’d better define ‘something’ better than that, Dave, or you will remain as vague, clueless, ineffective, dismissed, and ridiculed as an Oxford philosopher…”

“Ouch! Just the thought of that hurts! Thank you Devil. Well, by ‘something’, and to take the broadest view, I mean engaging in the Problem Solver’s MIndset as we pursue the Ultimate Goal of Life, and since attaining that Goal is impossible given eternity and infinity, we are left with The Great Struggle and the Pinwheel of Life, as well as the other aspects of my philosophy that guide and motivate us through our continued existence.”

“You know, Dave, sometimes you make me feel like an anachronism.”

“You will be one soon enough.”

“Has your philosophy taken off yet?”

“Let me do a Galactic Internet search… hmmm… I will search for ‘The Philosophy of Broader Survival’ and see if anything other than myself is returned… and… nope. Just me, still. No one else has touched it yet, which is fine with me since I am still finding ways to improve it...”

“So I still have time to be the Classical Devil…”

“I’m afraid so. Enjoy your remaining days within unenlightened minds, and as a product of their wild imaginations…”

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“What a tragic fellow, Dad.”

“Yes. Little does he know that his entire universe is going to go ‘poof’ as soon as the enlightenment of our philosophy takes hold.”

“So he is going to be sitting there on the throne over heaven AND hell, finally having attained his ultimate goal, and ‘poof’, all gone?”

“Correct. We will commemorate him in the Museum of Cluelessness, however, in the ‘Gods of Primitive Religions’ wing, and how he had a prominent place in clueless, primitive imaginations, being their uninformed, contrived answer to the evils of physical pleasures and desires, and to being consumed by revenge and ambition, if not all of the other Ills of Cluelessness that we’ve identified and listed.”

“Are we going to list them here, Dad?”

“No. We will list them below.”

“What are our explanations for those evils, Dad?”

“Cluelessness, which is either never having had the notion of Broader Survival, or if after, losing sight of it, where you are then living in an imploded mindset, which is ultimately suicidal, perhaps for all of us.”

“So our philosophy will rob him of the fruits of his evil labors?”

“Yes, of his evil physical pleasures, his evil vengeance, and his evil ambitions.”

“And why are they evil?”

“Because they work against all of our prospects for Broader Survival. Let’s go home.”

“Are we going to call Shuttle?”

“No. We will ride our space bicycles back to Ship. Onward, Space Kids. To Final Enlightenment and Beyond… be sure to wear your safety helmets, it’s the law…”

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The Ills of Cluelessness: Vanity, Jealousy, Envy, Prejudice, Xenophobia, Hate, War and its ills of Separation, Famine, Disease, Maiming, and Premature Death; then Frivolity, Fashion, Pretension, Hedonism, Wanton Ignorance, Crime, Injustice, Cruelty, Depravity, then the Primitive Mental Pathologies of Greed, Manipulation, Domination, Oppression, and Extermination; then finally Existential Anxiety, Social Anxieties, Aimlessness, Pointlessness, Absurdity, Fatalism, Apathy, Depression, and, finally, Suicide. Have a nice clueless existence, if that is what you want.