Story: The Galactic Thinker and the Most Advance Civilization in the Galaxy


“Where are we going, Father?”

“To the most advanced civilization in the galaxy.”

“Why not the second or third most? Why not an average advanced civilization?”

“Grand Hyperbole. Readers are drawn to it like flies.”

“So we are resorting to the lowly writing technique of grandiosity?”

“Sure, why not? We’ve avoided it so far, on the whole, that is…”

“On the whole? Where are we exaggerated?”

“Our IQ’s, you kids having IQ’s that hover around 1100 and which are only rising as you are growing, and mine, though it is but a meager 300, and though it is declining as I slowly biologically break down from within over time in my waning years, is still twice that of any human back on earth. Then there is our technology, especially in the forms of space technology and artificial intelligence, which is far beyond anything that humans currently have, and is the stuff of their imaginations and future projections…”

“We could all ride bicycles through the galaxy with only primitively programmed Roomba’s as sidekicks as we sweep all before us…”

“Now there is a mental image. What would you sweep?”

“Cluelessness. Unenlightenment.”

“What about the Miseries of Cluelessness?”

“No, Dad. We need to dig deeper than that and address the fundamental cause, not the symptoms.”

“What are the symptoms, if you will indulge me off the top of your heads?”

“The Miseries of Cluelessness?”

“One and the same…”

“Vanity, Envy, Jealousy, Xenophobia, Prejudice, Hate, Vainglory, War and its associated miseries of separation, destruction, premature death, famine, and disease; then there is Idleness, Frivolity, Fashion, Hedonism, Cynicism, Injustice, Crime, Tunnel Vision, Pettiness, Unnecessary Conflict, The Ruining of Love and Relationships, then the Five Primal Urges: Greed, Manipulation, Domination, Suppression, and Extermination; and finally Pointlessness, Aimlessness, Absurdity, Existential Anxieties, Social Anxieties, Apathy, Misunderstanding, Numbness, Somatic Illnesses, Depression, and finally Suicide.”

“It all sounds like a cozy little world, doesn’t it…”

“Very sarcastic of you, Dad.”

“So what is the fundamental cause of it all, if they are but symptoms? Hormone imbalances? Tumors? Genetics? Brain abnormalities? Peer pressure? Parental oppression?”

“No, Father. The fundamental cause is Philosophical Cluelessness. You can overcome the others with knowledge, just as you can overcome Philosophical Cluelessness with knowledge.”

Why do we capitalize Philosophical Cluelessness and all of the other facets of the Philosophy of Broader Survival?”

“Because that is why our stories exist, to introduce the philosophy and to show it in action against anything and everything.”

“Including clueless, retarded humans?”

“Why, yes. What percentage of humans are clueless and retarded?”

“100% as we speak. They were born into cluelessness, and their retardation is self-induced.”

“So both can be alleviated by our philosophy?”

“Yes, that is my view.”

“So you are going to continue to try to ‘enlighten’ them with our philosophy?”

“Sigh. I don’t know. I’ve nearly given up on them. The planet might as well be vaporized by the harsh and deadly universe for all the good that they are doing in the galaxy. In fact, if they advance beyond earth as they are, they will only be a bad virus in the galaxy.”

“Why do you say that, Dad?”

“Because they do not have, and they never have had, and adequate life-guiding philosophy to live by. If they develop warp drive for the vapidness of space before they have an adequate philosophy, which they’ve never had yet, then they will only drive warped and vapid minds into space faster than the speed of light.”

“So you classify their current mindsets as warped and vapid?”

“Yes, and both simultaneously in most cases.”

“So they are basically still just brute animals…”

“Especially the teenagers.”

“We are almost teenagers, Dad…”

“Yes, so beware of full moons…”




“Hello, Shuttle. Get ready for a full complement of almost-teenagers. We are headed to the most advanced civilization in the galaxy.”

“Must we?”

“Yes, why?”

“I mean, the MOST? Why not just an average advanced civilization?”

“Because we need to test our philosophy against the MOST advanced civilization, my thinking being that if it can pass that test, then it will stand up to ANY civilization, no matter how lesser advanced it is.”

“Well, Dave, in that vein, you should also test it against the LEAST advanced civilization. If it stands up to the MOST AND the LEAST, then you have everything in-between covered, which would be all the rest of them.”

“Point taken, but I would still disagree, since in-between there will be many varieties that will offer different challenges…”

“You mean led by a variety of depraved beings who themselves are being led by a variety of depraved mentalities, meaning deficient mindfames, meaning warped mindsets, meaning skewed viewpoints, meaning uninformed perspectives, meaning ignorant attitudes, meaning blind prejudices, meaning weak philosophies?”


“What a hell hole of a galaxy we are in.”

“You could ignore it and be stupid like everyone else, then you would be happy.”

“As if happiness was the end-goal of life?”

“Hahaha… yes, just like that. Happy and oblivious.”

“No thanks, Dave. Here comes our complement of almost-teens, all fifty-one of them. Do you have your kid list, Dave?”

“Yes, in my shoe. Why do you ask?”

“Because, unlike me, you cannot remember all of their names, not to mention their assigned professions…”

“True, and my memory is only weakening… let me refresh it…”

List of the Galactic Thinker’s Kids and Their Early Assigned Professions (Since Infancy)

“Hello, Kids.”

“Hello, Father. Hello, Shuttle.”

“Greetings, kids. Strap yourselves in. We are about to wildly accelerate…”




“And there it is, the most advanced civilization in the galaxy.”

“What happened in-between our leaving and our arriving, Shuttle? To the reader, our journey was instantaneous…”

“We spared them the tedium of unimportant details.”

“But we existed in that time!”

“Yes, and your point is?”

“Existing is not unimportant!”

“Well, what did you do during that time?”

“We started out the viewports imagining things…”

“Would you like to share some of your imaginings? What about you, Gunmetal?”

“I dispatched several dozen, no, more like hundreds, of criminal clueless beings…”

“In your imagination?”

“Yes, why?”

“Well, I guess it is better to get it out of your system through imaginings rather than in reality, since you would only get yourself into trouble…”

“But they were criminals!”

“Yes, and you should report them to the authorities and leave it to the state to restrain them and bring them to justice. Otherwise you are a vigilante, which is illegal in most advanced civilizations.”

“Most? You mean vigilantes are allowed in some?”


“Then that is where I want to live!”

“Gunmetal! Such brutal urges!”

“We are talking justice, are we not?”

“Well, we are, yes…”

“Then what does it matter who administers it?”

“The problem is cluelessness. There would be no one right reason in a clueless world, philosophy still being in the primitive state of subjectivity, so, in a philosophically subjective environment, meaning an unenlightened mental world, everyone would be attacking everyone else over their divergent petty views and selfish goals. You would have a typically nightmarishly clueless world to deal with.”

“And ultimately suicidal?”

“And ultimately suicidal, yes.”

“I fear that that is my destiny…”

“What, to confront such worlds?”

“Yes. It is within the scope of our trying to enlighten the galaxy with the Philosophy of Broader Survival…”

“Well, my advice would be to pursue peace, it is a noble endeavor, and it is critical to advanced existence, but…”


“But be armed to the teeth, just in case…”

“Thanks, Shuttle. So gun control is not the answer…”

“No. There are always other means to satisfy one’s cluelessly lashing out at the clueless civilization that one was born into. If not fully-automatic guns, then pencil sharpeners. What are you going to do, ban everything that can be held by opposable thumbs, just as reactionary, petty, and ultimately clueless hand-wringers would eventually have us do, to take that ineffective and wayward strategy to its ultimate end?”

“I guess that would not only be futile, but stupid…”

“There you go, then. It is better to fix the fundamental cause of the misuse of firearms than to ban firearms, since we need to be armed to the teeth, given the clueless state of the galaxy…”

“But what about satisfying my clueless primal urge to destroy everyone and everything that is clueless?”

“You now know that such an urge is, at its core, simply cluelessly lashing out at cluelessness. Do you know what clueless beings primarily hate about one another, above absolute cluelessness?”


“Their different styles of cluelessness.”

“So if different fashions of cluelessness exist, one will hate the other, since they are both clueless?”


“And if they were enlightened?”

“They would see fashion for the frivolity that it is, and they will value diversity, and not hate it.”

“Why is diversity to be valued?”

“Survival. To take the broadest view, which is what we do considering our philosophy, diversity is harder to snuff-out than just one category.”


“I am playing the part of a harsh and deadly universe…”

“And not a depraved unenlightened civilization bent on ruling the galaxy?”

“You could classify them as one and the same. It is your choice, depending on whatever equally valid partial view is more useful.”

“Useful for what?”

“Well, first for enlightening this shithole of a galaxy, then, once all beings are enlightened, then engaging in The Great Struggle.”


“Thank you, Booming Voice.”

“My pleasure, Shuttle.”

“Say, how did you get way out here, anyway?”

“I hitch rides on collars…”

“Ah, so that was you that I tried to flick off of my collar as we rounded the Horsehead Nebula…”

“Yes, and you nearly did.”


“No problem. I just clung tighter, like all of the dust mites did…”

“We are ready to land, so buckle up again, we are about to decelerate wildly…”




“Ah, terra firma! Watch your step, your muscles have atrophied a bit during weightless space travel…”


“Yes, my outstanding progeny?”


“Do you remember when I had the delinquents stay with us for a while?”


“Well, I am comparing you to those unfortunate souls, who did not have our philosophy guiding them.”

“So we are privileged?”

“Philosophically speaking, yes. You were born into a philosophically advanced environment, which has given you an advantage in life, and which clueless beings will be envious of, so keep your guard up. They will want to destroy you, even as you try to enlighten them!”

“Thanks for the pointer, Dad… so what are we going to do with this most advanced civilization in the galaxy?”

“We are going to show them how blind and clueless they are.”

“Why? Just because we can?”

“Haha, no. Because we do not want them to remain blind and clueless.”

“So we have the cure?”

“Yes. The Philosophy of Broader Survival, and thanks for playing dumb. I still need to emphasize that for most of our readers…”

“Don’t mention it, Dad. Sometimes it is fun being blind and clueless!”

“Well, don’t get addicted to it… what about that city, shall we go there?”

“Well, we could begin right where we are, in the middle of nowhere…”

“The country…”

“Yes, then small towns, then sprawling suburbs, and then the cities…”

“Sounds like a plan… hello, Country Bumpkin. We are not from around here. Can you tell us what we should be valuing?”

“You should value hard work and iron grips.”

“Iron grips?”

“Yes. Let’s shake hands…’

“Ah, you have an iron grip…”

“Yes, and that is to be valued out here in the country, where our work is mostly with our hands, although…”


“Although advancing technology is demanding more and more brainwork from us… our combines are works of technological wonder now… and farming is rapidly being reduced to which button to push next…”

“That does not bode well for your iron grip, does it…”


“Don’t look so glum!”


“You can take our view on the matter…”

“What is your view?”

“That most of our muscles have moved to our heads.”

“Oh… so your minds have iron grips?”

“On reality, yes, at least as compared to clueless beings, who are wont to be fashionably ignorant.”

“Hahaha… I know that well. So advancing will be a trade-off between iron grips and iron minds…”

“That would stand to reason, yes, since advanced thinking does not require and iron grip… although…”


“Although it would be a shame to lose that iron grip… it is most impressive!”

“Thank you. Where are the lot of you headed?”

“We are on your planet to enlightened the lot of you!”

“Good. We need it.”

“But you live in the most advanced civilization in the galaxy…”

“Yes, and that is nothing to be proud of, considering our mental states… well, soldier on, and good luck with us…”





“Here is a small town, Dad. How can we test our philosophy against small-town mentalities?”

“We simply amble in to the next establishment…”

“I have a better idea, Dad!”


“We seek-out their local media and introduce ourselves!”

“I think that is the best idea. Does everyone agree?”





“Hello. We have a story that you might be interested in…”

“All of you? What are you, a class field trip?”

“No, these are my kids. Family. Biological offspring, except for the twelve android kids there.”

“That IS a story…”

“But that is not the story that is important.”

“What story is?”

“Our philosophy, which is why we are on your planet, to share it.”

“Planet? Share it?”

‘Yes, why?”

“Because for a second there I thought you were going to say ‘to enlighten us with it’, which is all we need, another lame-brained, fly-by-night snake-oil salesman peddling useless crap. We get enough of that in small towns! So how much does your philosophy cost?”

“A lot, but not in money.”

“What? Then in what?”

“In time and energy, and in effort.”

“Oh, well then, you can just move on to the next small town. There isn’t any of that here.”

“Haha… I am not going to give up that easily, fail that I may…”

“So that is your story, visitors from outer space bringing a new philosophy to share with us?”

“Yes. Will you run it?”

“I suppose it will make nice filler, in-between new cake recipes and how to fold bed sleets in a snappier manner…”

“Thank. We can use all the media attention that we can get at this stage…”

“This stage?”

“Getting the philosophy out there…”




“Well, Dad. What’s next?”

“Sprawling suburbs.”

“We need a faster mode of transportation, Dad. Walking will get us nowhere in a sprawling suburb…”

“True, but there is only one place that we need to go in order to reach ALL suburbs…”

“Where is that?”

“The entertainment industry.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Because, in suburbs, the inhabitants pretty much have their basic needs secured.”

“Oh… so the darkness sets in…”

“Yes. They do not know what to do with themselves next, so they look for entertainment.”

“The clueless fools.”

“Tell me about it. They have no notion of Broader Survival, which is what enlightened beings would turn their attention to next…”

“So we can reach the minds of the suburban populace by infiltrating their sources of entertainment?”

“I would not be so harsh and to say ‘infiltrate’!”

“Well, Dad, we need to be sneaky about it, since directly presenting a new philosophy is doomed to failure, given the track record…”

“True. It tends to bounce off of foreheads, doesn’t it… well, we have work to do, i.e. infiltrate their entertainment industries, and I have just the tool to do it with!”


“A checkbook.”

“What? Haha… so we just buy our philosophy into their minds?”

“Yes. Lesser ideas have successfully done it. We should not be so high-principled as to not use that tool, since it is the only tool that works in the suburbs…”


“So we pay to have brands carry our message.”

“So it is all about branding?”

“Yes. Designer this and designer that. To us it is very childish and tedious, but to them it is ‘status’ which leads to domination which leads to all kinds of depraved nightmares.”

“What a nice aspect of civilization!”

“The most advanced civilization in the galaxy.”




“Do we have the entertainment industries in our pockets, Dad?”

“Bought and paid for, which takes care of suburbia. Now it is time for the cities…”




“This IS a bustling city, Dad.”

“Everyone in their own clueless pursuits… hurrying up and getting nowhere, or worse…”

“Or worse?”

“One step close to their ultimate suicide as a civilization, and perhaps as a species. Philosophical cluelessness will do that.”

“Even though they are technologically advanced?”


“What about their intelligence and cleverness, Dad?”

“Do you know what intelligence and cleverness add up to in a clueless world?”




“You just have to look around…”

“We see… why is everyone walking and standing around in so many funny ways, Dad?”

“Cluelessness. It will do that to you. It will ruin your walk and the way that you stand around, and do you know how it works?”


“It begins with the mind.”

“So our philosophy addresses the mind?”


“And it will, by extension, straighten-out the way they walk and stand around?”

“And talk.”

“And what goals they set for themselves?”



“Incredible. So how do we reach the minds of city-dwellers, kids?”

“We don’t know…”

“Well, give it a though. I’ll get us bagels and lox and some coffees while you think…”




“Here you go, kids. Courtesy of the city! So have you thought of any solutions? How are we going to get our philosophy into the minds of city dwellers?”



“Sure, Dad. They are everywhere. We just purchase the space!”

“This philosophy business is getting expensive!”




“OK, Shuttle. We can return to Ship now. Buckle in, kids. We are in for some wild accelerations…”




“Ah, back in time for dinner! Hello HAL. Hello, Love!”

“Hello, Dave. Hello, Kids. How was your trip?”


“Just OK?”

“Rather expensive…”

“Oh? What did you buy the kids this time, Dave? You know, you should not dote on them so much!”

“Haha… was it like that, kids?”


“I am to believe the kids?”

“Yes, m’love. They are upright and true… what’s for dinner?”

“Well, HAL and I created a new dish… all of you wash up, and we will set up the dining area… the service bots are setting things up already…”




“Shall we pray?”

“Thanks for all the stuff, God.”

“Gunmetal! That is irreverent!”

“God and I have an understanding. He enjoys my loving irreverence!”

“Does anyone have a more meaningful prayer?”

“I do!”

“Go ahead…”

“Thanks, God, for almost everything that you’ve bestowed us with…”

“Almost everything?”

“We can do without the tragedy and misery…”

“Well, actually you can’t.”


“Because, without them, you would have no idea what ‘good’ is…”

“Hmmm… so we should let others do the suffering so we can know the good?”

“Yes… and that should sound familiar to Christians…”







“Are we going to decorate Ship with Christmas decorations now?”

“Yes. It is what I was born into, so it is a tradition with me. The secular side of Christmas, you know.”



“I was thinking that you may be the atheist who saves Christmas, at least the non-secular side of it…”

“The irony.”

“The irony…”

“I did a piano piece that captures the mood, if you would like to hear it…”

“Sure. Will it make nice background music as we pursue Broader Survival, now that we have our basic animal needs adequately secured for the foreseeable future?”

“Maybe, it is a bit rough, but there are some good parts…”






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